That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
