mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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