My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
