jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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