You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
