my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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