I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
my shit smells like andre
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
