i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
