but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
