he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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