i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
