My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
