She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
