He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
