You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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