I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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