I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize