I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
