if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
