Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
