I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
