Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
