im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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