Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just saw a hot homeless man
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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