Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
