Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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