So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
