The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
