I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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