Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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