she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
