Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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