I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
