I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
