dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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