I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
