Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
