Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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