Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
