A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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