Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
