Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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