Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
this just has baby written all over it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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