it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
