Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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