I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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