I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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