he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I'm at about main and main street
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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