took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
