Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
you are never too drunk for berry picking
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
