It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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