I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize