So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
