I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
