I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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