Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
