I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
