that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
