she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The best revenge is premature balding
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
