Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
