Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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