forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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