yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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