I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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