My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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